Video Transcript Below:
Hello Guys! This is Kenny from learnhowtoprosper.com and I wanted to tackle a question that I get often as a counselor and mentor and particularly in the days when I was doing marriage counseling on a day to day basis.
This was a question that I received most often and that is: how do I make my girlfriend love me again? Or my boyfriend right? When a relationship begins it’s in what I call the “twitterpation” stage.
And in that phase there’s a lot of investment that goes into the relationship but once you get through that, in fact I would say that all relationships have this sort of a phenomenon
where in the beginning there’s lots of excitement, there’s lots of growth, there’s lots of fun stuff going on.
You’re getting to know each other. It’s all new and shiny but then after a time, and if you’re not
careful, you can actually start to go down this way and really where you want it to go going up and going and going and growing right?
So, what had happened, and I saw this in this person’s relationship, is they had had a very steep curve in the beginning and then they’re kind of in this point right there kind of where in the whole
scheme of things, so you were saying well, what do we do to get past this little plateau and start to move forward in that up and to the right direction that we all want to be?
And it’s kind of interesting because we live in fascinating times with respect to how we view relationships. I would say that to a large extent in today’s world, and even when I went
through my own graduate program in counseling 20 years ago people would talk about your needs, everything was focused on you.
You’ve got to make sure your needs are being met. Don’t misunderstand me, I think that there’s an element of that, but if that’s your first priority (you) I think you’re going to run
into a lot of problems down the line.
So here is what I suggested to this individual. Instead of everything being focused on his needs, (and by nature we are selfish people), so if we just kind of “go with the flow” that’s
what’s going to happen.
What we need to do instead is focus on the needs of others. Look outside yourself. You want to focus almost exclusively on the needs and interests of the individual, of your spouse, partner, girlfriend, etc.
Now, there’s this magic law called reciprocity and the fact of the matter is, that if you focus your energies on that person then over time reciprocity will come back and
what’s interesting is that in many cases the very thing that you sought to change most in your partner or spouse does evolve over time when you actually focus on their needs and not your own.
Let me give you an example I have one Individual… I just was speaking to him this last week and he was talking about how he got a valuable piece of advice from his grandfather when he was at his
reception, his reception line at his marriage and what his grandfather said was “just do one thing just do the dishes”.
You’ll be amazed what that will do in your relationship. So I asked him about that and he said he forgot about that piece of advice and after about about five years and their marriage had kind of
gotten to a pretty steady plateau and there were so many things he wanted to see change in her.
He remembered that piece of advice and it wasn’t so much the act of actually washing the dishes, but what it signified. That he cared about her enough to dedicate some of his time and focus on something
that would allow her to to have a little bit of a break. That’s just one example and that’s pretty traditional. I don’t mean to be stereotypical.
There are lots of different things that could happen but this is just one example. So this is the advice that I gave to him I said, I want
you to forget about yourself and I want you to focus on her needs. Because we all have this right. We come into relationships. We all have these expectations for what we think the other ought to do and
some of the time we don’t even recognize what those expectations are and so we can get into this place where our expectations aren’t being met and then we start to get frustrated and then
the relationship starts to go down in the wrong direction. So, often times those expectations are, of course, are all based on you and what you’re thinking about yourself and your needs and “me and
myself and I”.
So if you will instead focus on one of the expectations that your partner or spouse has for you and then focus just on that one thing. It’s not so much the thing that you’re doing but what it signifies right?
In this particular case his companion she’s a rancher and in her way of thinking, if he truly loved her, he would spend some time with her in the evenings. Working by her side on the ranch.
They’re just newly formed coming together and so he’s not accustomed to working on a ranch. He wakes up early, she wakes up a little bit later and so what I suggested to him was
well why don’t you pick one thing that you can do that really means alot to her? And even if that was maybe just spending one night helping her feed the cows. If you
would focus on that and give that experiment a little bit of a genuine test, see what would happen with respect to their relationship. Well, he did just that and of course she was delighted to see that he was
spending a little bit of time and interest in her.
He’s a motorcycle racer and so one of the things that he likes to do is wake up early in the morning and he watches these bike races on a subscription that he has on his computer so he will go
into the Internet and he’ll log in and watch these races. Well one morning he noticed after a week or two later that she’s up and walking around early in the morning and she actually
came in and sat down had a little breakfast there and sat there with him while he was watching the races. And he said it wasn’t so much that she was willing to watch the race it was
what it meant to him.
It was the meaning behind the action. I would say if there’s one thing that we have to consider here when we’re talking about how do you make your girlfriend love you again.
Well, when you’re first married or when you’re first engaged, when you’re first coming to know somebody during this phase of the relationship there’s so much investment really in the other person.
Right, you’re thinking about them you’re constantly trying to help them in certain ways and then after a while when you get up to a plateau and if you’ll watch this peak and you’ll get to this
point where all of a sudden you’re not thinking about them, you’re thinking about yourself and when you get to that point that’s when it plateaus. So, keep doing what you are doing here and maintain that
and your relationship will start to grow and your sense of fulfillment and care and even the depth of your relationship will grow over time. So that’s my advice for today and with that I’m going to sign off.
Thank you everyone.